“The song is ended but the melody lingers on…” – Irving Berlin.
I have always thought of myself as being a strong woman but nothing prepared me for losing my daddy. I grew up with an independent mentality: doing everything for myself and ‘almost’ not needing anyone. My family knew that and, to the best of my knowledge, they were okay with it. My dad at least.
I was never my dad’s pet, he had my sister for all the emotional connections that fathers have with daughters and I was happy with that. I have never been one to show my emotions or express my emotional part in ways other than writing about how I feel. I did try to be emotionally in tune with every member of my family to the best of my ability and I think everyone is okay with the extent to which I expressed my feelings towards them.
In all these and through the years, I never considered if the level to which I expressed my feelings to them was enough…not until I got that call that Daddy was gone. Life has its way of making us do a quick 360 turn you know.
Now I find myself not being so strong and questioning everything, not just about my relationship with him and the rest of my family, but lots of things about myself. “Am I naturally an emotionally-expressive person or is this all just a coping mechanism?” “Do I need to be more vulnerable with my emotions?” “Am I dealing with Daddy’s death as I should?” And other more personal questions that my shy self isn’t strong enough to write about yet.
Burdened by all these, I have lost the excitement that used to come upon me whenever the Yuletide celebrations approached. It’s the eve of Christmas and I’m sitting here without my ‘Christmas hair’ done and not one craving for ‘Christmas rice’ as some people do. I don’t even know how I lost my silly streak of being terribly sarcastic in every situation: serious or not.
I admit that even though daddy was ill, I never prepared myself to lose him. Not sure anyone is ever prepared to lose a parent. I wasn’t. I’m still not adjusted to his absence. I’m just doing the best I can every second that passes.
I’m at peace though. Knowing that he is resting, that we loved him and he loved us, and that by his death, I have gained one more angel who looks down at me and is working to make me happy.
If you are going through what I am going through or something similar, I pray that you will be as strong as you need to be. And remember that there are people still living who love you as much as you ought to be loved. At least, that’s what everyone who has come to mourn with my family told us so it must be true right?
“In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.” – 1 John 4:9 KJV
This article was first published on my previous blog and was transfered here with only minor typographic edits.
The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only as a snapshot of my personal thoughts at this particular time and is not to be a substitute for life advice and consultation as I am not engaged in the provision or rendering of psychological or philosophical advice or services. You understand and agree that I will not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.
